Don't Make Me Count to Three!, part 3 (The Rod)

Here's my final post containing nuggets from Ginger Plowman's Don't Make Me Count to Three. If you can't tell, I really like the book and highly recommend it to all moms!
(Men might not enjoy it so much for all the references to "moms" and womanly issues and for its conversational style. Ben picked it up and put it right back down after the first chapter. It might have been her reference to the "stick turning blue"? Maybe he can just glean from my notes!)

• Why we use the rod:

1. It demonstrates faithfulness to God (He commands us to).
2. It demonstrates faithfulness to the child (Prov 23:12-14).
3. It imparts wisdom (Prov. 29:15).

• Children are old enough to learn “No” when they are old enough to do something that requires you to tell them “No.”

• Reasons that Spanking does not work:

1. lack of consistency (Don’t issue a warning or command without following it through.)
2. lack of persistence (Don’t give up after a few days/weeks. You reap later than you sow.)
3. lack of effectiveness (You must inflict pain for it to be effective.)
4. lack of righteousness (If we are sinfully angry or have wrong motives, the child will resent rather than repent and God will not honor our efforts. Have your child wait in his room while you pray for a few moments and get your heart right.)

• Obedience should be all the way, right away, and with a joyful heart. Some traps which will sabotage our efforts at training to this kind of obedience:
1. repeating yourself (teaches them to obey only after the second or third time)
2. raising your voice (teaches them to obey after frustration has been displayed)
3. wordly techniques (like counting—trains them to obey later. Expecting instant obedience leaves no room for question or confusion.)
4. tolerating small acts of disobedience (J. C. Ryle said, “Beware of letting small faults pass unnoticed under the idea that it is a little one. There are no little things in training children; all are important. Little weeds need plucking up as much as any. Leave them alone and they will soon be great.”)
5. waiting until the teapot boils (Don’t base discipline on mood and emotion. Discipline should be a self-controlled act of love.)

• Don’t spank for:

1. childish behavior (Childishness becomes foolishness when the child has been given clear instructions and understands those instructions but chooses to disobey.)
2. inability to perform
3. accidents (Spilling a drink, for example, unless the child spilled the drink in a place he was not supposed to have a drink.)
4. before having all the facts (don’t jump to conclusions)
5. while you are angry

• When is the rod necessary?
1. direct disobedience (the child was given clear instructions, understood them, and chose to disobey) Col. 3:20
2. defiant attitude (rebellion expressed in actions, words, tone of voice, or facial expressions) Ps 100:2; Phil 2:14

• Guidelines for administering biblical chastisement (I might need to print these out for myself in a year or so... or less.)
  

1. Discuss what the child has done wrong and why it is your responsibility to spank him (his sin against God and your love for him).
2. Guide the child in thinking through what he should have done.
3. Use the proper instrument as your spanker (to bring pain without bruising).
4. Let the child know how many swats you will be administering (demonstrates your own self-control).
5. Spank as promptly after the offense as possible (especially with younger children).
6. Administer the spanking in private.
7. Administer the rod to the child’s bottom (it will hurt without bruising easily; seems to be the perfect, God-ordained spot).
8. Take time for reconciliation (the parent should forgive, embrace the child, and put the issue to rest).
9. Require the child to make restitution (asking for forgiveness and going back to practice what is right).

Don't Make Me Count to Three!, part 2 (Reproof)

I love Ginger Plowman. I wish I could take her to school with me. Here are some more highlights from Don't Make Me Count to Three:

• When to Reprove Children

1. When your child has sinned. A reproof is in order whether your child sins intentionally or unintentionally.
2. Before you administer a spanking. You should never spank your child without telling him exactly what he has done wrong and what he can do to make it right.

• When a Reproof alone is all that is needed

1. When the child has not been informed of the parent’s standard.
2. When the child is not characterized by the sin in which he was caught.
   

• Responding to Manipulators
1. “Younger children may cry, whine, beg, or throw a temper tantrum in order to attain whatever it is that they want. When they do this they are acting foolishly. And when Mom rewards the child’s sinful attempt for personal gain by giving him what he wants, she is responding foolishly."
2. “Older children may accuse, criticize, pout, ask “Why?” questions, give you the cold shoulder, or withhold affection in order to manipulate your response. When they do this they are acting foolishly. Mom may reward the child’s sinful attempt for personal gain by defending herself, justifying her actions, blame-shifting, answering the “Why?” questions, or arguing. When Mom does this she is responding foolishly."
3. Proverbs 26:4-5 “Do not answer a fool according to his folly, lest you be like him. Answer a fool as his folly deserves, lest he be wise in his own eyes.” If the child is stubbornly clinging to a foolish justification for his actions, avoid endless argument and move directly to discipline. Turn the focus away from the manipulative remark and onto the manipulator’s own heart and motives.

• Guidelines for verbal correction (I'm going to print this out for myself!)
  

1. Examine your motives. (Am I doing this because my will has been violated or God’s will has been violated? Am I doing this because his behavior has caused me some personal discomfort, embarrassment, or trouble?) Apply Gal 6:1 to yourself: “If someone is caught in sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.”
2. Examine your life. (Have I provoked my child in some way? What is my example? Have I led my child into sin by failing to teach him? Have I given my child more freedom than he can handle?) Apply Matt 7:5 to yourself: “You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your won eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
3. Choose the right time and place. (Don’t embarrass your child. Your goal is not embarrassment but repentance.) Apply Matt 18:5 “If your brother sins, go and reprove him in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother.”
4. Choose the right words. (Don’t replace God’s wisdom with man’s wisdom. Call lies, disrespect, foolishness, and disobedience for what they are.) Apply Heb 4:12 “The Word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart."
   
5. Choose the right tone of voice. (Don’t scold your child. Use a normal voice with carefully measured words.) Apply Prov 15:28 "The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things," and James 1:19-20 "Be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness that God requires."
   
6. Be prepared to suggest a biblical solution. Apply Eph 4:22 "...put off your old self... and put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness."

Don't Make Me Count to Three!, part 1 (Training in Righteousness)

About two months ago, I guess, I borrowed a book from a friend by Ginger Plowman called Don't Make Me Count to Three! (a misnomer, in case you're wondering). I finally finished the book during my spring break last week, and tonight I went back through the book and summarized or copied the parts which were new to me or insightful ideas I need to remember.

I thought I'd share some of the points with you, too!

• We should seek to understand what is in the heart of our children as well as showing them how to understand and evaluate what is in their hearts Ask heart related questions. Prov 18:3; Prov 20:5

What was the nature of the temptation? Was it anger, idolatry, envy? Was it selfish or contentious?

How did he respond to the temptation? Did he respond to the temptation in such a way that God was pleased? What was wrong with the way he responded?

What other ways could he have responded that would have been better?

• Don’t provoke your children to anger by chastising them for the wrong without teaching them the right.

• Whenever your child behaves sinfully, teach in the moment. Use God’s Word to verbally train them in righteousness, then have them put it into practice right away. Do it over and over until the child gets it right.

• Some good, in-the-moment applications of scripture:

1 Cor 13:5 “Love is not rude.” when a child wants/asks for/argues over a toy that someone else has before the other person is finished with it

Prov 6:19 God hates one who “stirs up arguments among brothers”

James 1:19 “Man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires”

Matt 18:25 for tattling without first trying to resolve the issue in private.

1 Cor 13:6 “Love does not delight in evil” for enjoying some else’s suffering (pestering them)

Prov 17:5 “He who is glad at calamity will not go unpunished.” for rejoicing at seeing someone else get in trouble

Prov 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” for yelling.

Deut 5:16 “Honor your father and mother…” for a child speaking disrespectfully to parents

Col 3:20 “Children obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” For disobedience.

Phil 2:14 for grumbling and complaining

• Don’t become weary when it seems like you’re training your children for the same things all day every day. James 1:2-4—We should be joyful and thankful every time we are provided with an opportunity to point our children to their need for Jesus by training them in His Word.
• All kids are sinners and will manifest sinful behavior. The question is not: Will they sin? The question is: When they sin, what will you do about it? Will you ignore them, scream at them, make excuses for them, or will you train them up in the way they should go? (Prov. 22:6)